The Illusion of Control

Ugh. Potty training. It's called that for a reason, right? Because I'm supposed to train her, right? We started with m&ms but I thought better of it when she started getting upwards to twenty m&ms a day. Then we had the sticker chart with really cool stickers but she got over that. Then I tried putting portable potties in her favorite hangouts but then realized I was just teaching Nealie that it was cool to go where you are rather than in the bathroom. My friend even recommended "punishment" so I washed off her bottom with really cold water after one of the bad accidents and Nealie just looked up at me and said, "Thanks for cleaning off my bottom, Mommy." I moved on to bribery: I told her Preschools and Ballet Class only take kids that are potty-trained. I used guilt trips. Manipulation. I called countless mommy friends.

Guess what? Nealie prefers diapers. I. WAS. PISSED. I can't tell you why it's so important to me. Maybe because I was afraid that I'd have the only 3 year old that wasn't potty trained. I am often told how advanced Nealie is in so many ways and I couldn't understand why she couldn't excel at this subject.


Then I got that always accessible, not-so-pleasant dose of acceptance. The vehicle for this unwanted realization? That damn aunt that lives next door. "Who's it hurting that she's not potty trained? Who does it bother: her or YOU?" Damn, damn, damn. So I've decided to drop the issue. Well, MY issue.

This morning I told Nealie we needed to change her diaper and she looked at me very suspiciously, like she was prepared to put up a fight about potty training today. I said, "Run to your room and get a new diaper," and she was on it. She very willingly allowed me to change her and has been happily wearing diapers all day, including a very snazzy swim diaper while we were at America the Beautiful Park and Fountain (a.k.a. Best Park ever, courtesy of Nealie's cousins, Anam and Oran). I think our summer will be a lot more fun if we just spend it enjoying each other and not battling for control.

Next on our to-do list is getting out our birthday invites. I can't believe my baby's almost 3!!!

Being a Stay at Home Mom is Hard Work!

So I stayed home with Nealie for her first six months and only went to school part time until she was one. The last two years, I have gone to school full time (or more) and had her in full-day child care. Even during the summers, I have had her at least in part time day care because I was worried about losing our spot for the next year. Therefore, the interaction that I have had with my own daughter has been pretty much limited to evenings and weekends for a long time. It has not been "my job" to entertain her and play games with her and find activities for us to do on a regular basis. My "duties" have included dressing her, changing her diaper, playing with her for an hour or two, feeding her and laying her down.

This is different. This is harder.

Nealie and I wake up around 8 am and we run through our own separate morning routines: Nealie has a glass of milk and watches Scooby-Doo or some other show, and I shower, feed the animals, zone out on the computer and eventually make breakfast and get us dressed. This has been a pretty regular part of our routine for the past year. What follows is NEW. You know those days where you play outside, play monster, read books, play with playdough, make food in the play kitchen and it's not even NOON yet?

Yeah.

So I've remembered what my saving grace was when I was a stay at home mom: OTHER MOMMIES. I needed adult interaction and I found that a playdate with another mom usually got me to naptime. The afternoon's a sinch if you can get past the gruelling morning hours. Nealie gets up from nap, takes about half an hour to come out of her nap trance and then plays outside with the dogs until it is time to make dinner. With the nightly summer baths that have become so necessary due to my daughter's newfound love of dirt, our evenings fly by, just as they always have.

The issue that I have run into is my lack of mom friends. Remember how I said that I basically saw my kid at night and on the weekends for almost two years? Yeah, I saw my mommy friends even less. I have a few great mommy friends that have accepted my workaholic ways and are offering up playdates but, having been out of the mommy loop for so long, I have made very few new mommy friends and I often feel confused in conversations. I feel slightly detached from that whole world. I've never been the kind of mommy that keeps journals of every little thing my daughter has done or her cute and outrageous comments. And I've always treated Nealie more as a little person than as my kid -- perhaps the curse of being an only child? Seriously, a common saying when Nealie acts up is, "Really dude, that's not cool."

Honestly, the hardest thing about being a stay at home mom is the lack of recognition and appreciation. When I work I bring home a paycheck; when I go to school I bring home a report card; when I'm a stay at home mom I bring home...Nealie. I remember when my husband and I used to say that she is the most important thing we've EVER done. Perhaps that reminder needs to be brought to the table. And placed as the centerpiece. Or said daily.

Good for you, stay at home moms. I know the work you do. I know how amazing you are. I appreciate you.

Summer Potty Training Blues

I officially hate potty training.  I am constantly told that it will happen when it happens, always followed almost immediately by some mom who tells me that they potty trained their daughter in a day just by buying them underwear.  We have tried everything: I just continued with her in diapers but she is still willing to (pardon the phrase) sit in her shit; we tried underwear but she goes in them and doesn't tell me; we tried going commando but there are only so many times that I am willing to clean poop up off the floor. 

Perhaps I just get so frustrated because my last two puppies (Daci and Brooklyn) had one to two accidents in the house before they were fully potty trained.  I have also wondered if Nealie's aversion to potty training is karma for having the easiest pets in the world.

Why isn't there somewhere I can send her and she'll come back fully potty trained?

Okay, that is my official rant.  On a lighter note, Nealie and I visited my Mom in Durango last week.  My little pretty in pink daughter lived in my Mom's backyard playing in the dirt. 

It was a good trip, full of old to me and new to Nealie friends.  I am grateful to be home this week (Curtis and I celebrated our 4 year wedding anniversary) and looking forward to catching up with my Springs friends that I was unable to see when I was fully immersed in 18 credits at UCCS.  The good news about being fully school-focused is that I got a 3.7 GPA for the semester and I graduate in December!

Here's to a long, warm summer and to me taking potty training just a little less personally.

I get two M&M's!!!

Potty training is the pits. I'd personally like to not participate at all and just let her train herself. You see, I have this theory: If I don't pressure her, she'll get it in her own time. But this is kind of a catch 22. Nealie, who will be three at the end of June, is still perfectly content sitting in a dirty diaper. So what can I do? Really?
I'll tell you what I can do: BRIBERY. Yup, that's right. So, our deal is that she can have one M&M for trying and two M&M's for actually going potty. Amazingly, this slowly but surely caught on and now Nealie is a pro at going pee in the potty -- great start, fer sure.

So here's the kicker: I decided that she ONLY gets M&M's if she goes potty. So guess what? She stopped. Just like that. So I started back up the M&M's and she goes potty almost every time. Then I decided that she was doing so well, I'd let her cruise around in underwear. Get this: my kid can stay in the same diaper ALL day (minus naps and nighttime) and keep it dry, but she will go in her underwear and only run to the potty AFTER she's already gone. Oh, and she's no fool. "I get two M&M's?" Yeah, I don't think so.

I think that they should start a school where you send your kid and SOMEONE ELSE pottytrains them. Why not? You can send a dog away to these programs and they come back completely trained. Someone's really missing out on making millions.

For the meantime, we're gonna switch to pull ups (even though they're more expensive) and go from there. She's got lots of time, but I do fear that I am just turning my daughter into a chocolate addict rather than actually scaffolding her potty training.

Oh, and once they are potty trained, how do you wean them off the chocolate?

LIFE Happens

Occasionally, I look at my life (where it is now and where it was when we had Nealie) and I feel a rush of mixed emotions. When Nealie came into our lives a little over 2 1/2 years ago, I had a cat and I was a stay-at-home mom. Most of my friends also had babies and I went on a daily walk and yoga and playdates and... So, yeah, I was active in the Mommy world. Sadly, I feel very distant from that. I am 1 1/2 semesters away from being done with my Bachelor's Degree -- I graduate THIS December! My best friend moved to Longmont last year so I see her now maybe once a month rather than the once a week we enjoyed when she lived here. Many of my mommy friends are still stay at home moms and spend their weekends with their families, which I totally understand, but that's the only time I have Nealie and I'm not at school. It just gets frustrating.

All this is not to say that I do not enjoy my life now. We bought this great duplex with my aunt this last summer and we have been happily living here since August. We now have not one, not two, but THREE dogs (well, our new puppy will be coming home next month), Curtis and I are very happy, and Nealie is AMAZING. And I still have really wonderful friends in my life.

It's just interesting how life changes. I used to have playdates a few times a week, and now I frequent the dog park that often. I used to go to yoga two or three times a week and now that time is eaten by the 18 credits I'm taking this semester. And it's not bad, it's Just LIFE.

My little girl got a grown up haircut today. She says things to me like, "Actually, Mom, I am making dinner for us in my kitchen," and "After school, do I get to bring home my goodie bag?" She reads ME books, she's working on potty training, she dances, she is SO full of attitude...

A little bit of nostalgia in here mixed with a lot of happiness. I am grateful for where we are today. I love Nealie. I love having an ONLY child. I love having a housefull of dogs. I love my husband. I love my life.

More Time Please!!!

Dear Universe, Divine Being, or whoever is up there running the show,

This is all going by way too fast. My darling little only is going to be 2 1/2 in just a couple short weeks, I have one more year of school, and I simply do not have enough time!!! I am finding it increasingly harder and harder to find time for family, school and friends -- and yes, in that order! I've been taking 15 credits, equivalent to five classes, and striving to be present when Nealie comes in the door, but some days the best I have is, "Hey, you wanna watch Scooby Doo?"

They tell you. You don't listen, but the do tell you.

It goes by way too fast. It doesn't feel like Nealie was a tiny 5 pound baby only yesterday. It feels like DECADES AGO. It seems like today is going way too fast and yesterday is but a vague memory. I don't take enough pictures, I don't right down those sweet little sayings that Nealie blurts out, I recently realized that I don't even remember what her first word was!!! But it doesn't do me any good to beat myself up. I just have to work on being more present. I don't want to be remembered as the mom who never had time.

So I have been very excited for Summer 2010. To some, this might be living a bit too far in the future, but for me it signifies freedom. Since I am going to have to go get a fulltime job after I graduate in December of 2010, I decided to pull Nealie completely out of daycare and devote the summer to US! Yes, travel, playdates, reconnecting with friends, swimming, the works!

But since it is NOT the summer of 2010 and it is actually December 6th of 2009, I think it is my job to stay in the present (didn't I just say that?). So here's to running around like a crazy person in our basement, dancing without rhythm, coloring. drawing, singing, laughing...

School is out in two weeks and then I've got a full two weeks to be with family and play. And, in the meantime, homework can wait until 8:30 pm. SHE'S more important, fer sure.

My Take on Dogs

I am very proud and excited to share that I have returned to the wonderful world of dog owners! Daciana has been home since the 7th of November and is integrating into our lives very well. I must admit, I have missed being a part of the "Dog World" (yes, it exists). I love being a part of the baby world -- more specifically, I LOVE being a part of Nealie’s world. When I meet other moms at the playground, we don’t start chatting each other up about our children. However, that has always been my experience with other dog owners; there is just this bond that emanates between two people who have wet-nosed, furry companions.

So I have a pet peeve. The #1 comment that I have been receiving from the passersby who ogle at my puppy is: "Are you going to breed her?" Huh? Really? It's like the dreaded "When are you guys going to have more children" question. Perhaps I relate the two because both answers are the same: NEVER. I know that people ask these questions because I have a gorgeous, wonderful daughter and a sweet, fluffy puppy. I just get frustrated, probably because I have wavered on both issues.

I was talking with some friends the other day and I was very excited because Daci had only gotten up twice during the previous night. I told them that I thanked Nealie for teaching me about sleepless nights so that I was willing to get up with my puppy. This might sound silly, as a friend commented, that a baby has prepared me for a puppy, but it’s true. I got Kado when I was 18 or 19 and, when he woke up whining to go out, I refused and then got mad when I woke up to his accidents. So a friend made the comment that the difference between a dog and a baby is that you can get rid of the dog.

OUCH.

Over the years, I have owned a few dogs and it hurts my heart that I have been guilty of treating them as dispensable. I have this idea that dogs are a part of the family, but if that is so, then why are they thrown by the wayside so often? Having Nealie in my life has given me the wonderful gift of knowing that TODAY is the most important day, and that I am not too busy to focus on those most important to me.

Thanks Nealie.